In my situation....please help!

baby_marshall · 01-09-2008, 04:32 PM

Hi all - I am hoping that someone can offer some insight here as I am very confused and am not sure what to do.

My son is two and a half months old. I live with my boyfriend who has a seven year old son from a previous relationship, who lives with us on week on, week off basis. His son has cognitive and emotional difficulties, with the mentality of perhaps a four or five year old child. He has been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Global Developmental Delay.

He has asked me some strange questions and displayed some strange behavior that has me concerned. For example, when he visited me and the baby at the hospital for the first time, the first thing he said to me was "I saw the baby brother, and I touched his penis." To be totally honest I can remember how my whole body went tense at that moment.

Again, in the hospital when we were changing the baby's clothes he pointed to the umbilical cord stump and asked what it was. We basically said that was where the baby's belly button would be. He asked us why we couldn't pull it out. We said it would fall out on it's own.

When we came home from the hospital, the child again asked me what the umbilical cord stump was, and I gave him the same answer. He asked me if he could pull it out, and I said no, and he sked why. I told him that it could hurt the baby. His response was "No, it won't" I told him that we have to be careful with babies. He then told me, with a bit of defiance that if he pulled it out I could just take the baby to the doctor and have him sew it back on.

I have been haunted by those words, and I am now very uncomfortable with that child around my baby. I have chosen to have the baby

with me in my bed, as my boyfriend's son gets up numerous times through the night and investigates each room in the house. I have woken up a few times at night to find the child standing outside my bedroom door, staring into my bedroom. When I lift my head he runs away, if I ask what he is doing, he will not answer.

I have mentioned my concerns to the boys father, he has dismissed them stating that I am too overprotective and his son would not hurt the baby. Other members of my boy

family see no problems either.

Is he right? Am I too overprotective or am I justified in my concerns? All I know is that whenever that child is near my baby I am instantly tense.

Thank You very much for reading this!! I am just so confused!!

DeeDee · 01-09-2008, 10:40 PM

Oh gosh, I have never run into a problem like that but in all honesty yes I would be very protective of the baby. This seven year old boy has a lot of problems himself and doesn't really understand how certain things would harm the baby. Doctors cant' fix everything like he thinks they can.

Of course when it comes to the boyfriend or his family members they are not going to want to admit that this little boy could do harm to the baby. Its their nephew, brother, cousin, son or whatever so they won't want to admit to things like that. They feel deep inside the boy won't hurt the baby so its no use trying to convince them otherwise.

I guess I would just keep an extra eye on the baby when this boy is around. Try maybe getting him to hand the diaper to you so you can change the baby or

ing you to feed the baby or whatever. Even washing the clothes, if there is any way at all that you can have the boy feel like he is

ing you, it might make a difference.

Whatever you do, don't make the boy turn against the baby by not letting him

or hold the baby or whatever. It would be worse I think if he turned against the baby.
Another thing you can do is talk to your doctor about the situation. He/she might be able to give some advice too.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

baby_marshall · 01-10-2008, 12:19 PM

Thank you for your input! I also forgot to mention that we have allowed him to hold the baby, and when he is 'done' he shrugs his arms away from the baby almost dropping him. Or, he will pull on the baby's arm, or pat his stomach harder and harder, looking at his father the whole time, until someone tells him to stop.

He also takes no real interest in the baby when it is just the three of us together. However, when his father or grandmother is holding the baby he is right there. Sometimes I will put the baby in his swing while I am doing the

, with the child nowhere in sight and I will turn around to see him

ing away from the baby's swing and running away.

As well, my boyfriend likes to stick things in the baby's mouth to see if he will suck on it. A McDonald's french fry, a

, an unlit cigarette etc. I have repeatedly asked him not to do so, especially in front of his son, but he always angrily tells me "Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do with my son".

You can imagine what I was thinking when I woke up one night to find the child standing over the baby's crib holding a bag of peanut M & M's. That is when I decided to have the baby

with me because that is how I feel safest.

My boyfriend also thinks that it is alright for us to

in the basement bedroom with the two children alone upstairs. I explained to him that I did not feel comfortable because his son wakes up and creeps around the house at night. He does go into the baby's room when he does this. I have told him that I believe all young children should be supervised around a baby because they do act upon impulse and are unaware of their own strength. He told me that "No one is out to get the baby"

I have other

with young children, however they have asked me not to bring my boyfriend's son over to play with them because he is rather disruptive in play, he will not listen and does not get along well with other children.

It is very frustrating. My mother has witnessed some of these things first hand and she thinks I should get out of the situation with my child for his safety. However, if I were to do so, eventually I would have to hand my child over to his father and I would not be there to protect my own child if need be.

I will make a dr's appointment and see what he has to say. Other mothers that i have spoken to always tell me to trust my gut instinct.

DeeDee · 01-11-2008, 10:19 PM

Your posts make me very nervous for you and the baby. I think your mother is right and you should get out of this situation for both your sakes. I think your

are right too and you should go with your gut instinct.

Do you mind telling me how old your boyfriend and you are? It sounds like you are very mature but he is very immature. Any father who will put things in a baby's mouth to see if he will suck on it or not is scarey to me. That baby could choke and then the little boy sees this and heaven knows what he will stick in the baby's mouth too. Oh gosh, I think you better get out of there with the baby. That baby is going to get hurt bad and you will never be able to live with yourself. If that baby had something happen to him, you could be charged with being an unfit mother.

Talk to your doctor and tell him everything about how the little boy and your boyfriend treat the baby. See what his suggestion is for you to get out and keep the baby safe. I think any court hearing what your boyfriend does to the baby would not grant custody or maybe not even unsupervised visitation to the baby. The longer you stay, the more it seems you accept these actions and it won't

you in the end. Besides, your baby's life could be at stake here. Think of that.

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do.

baby_marshall · 01-14-2008, 11:12 AM

In response to your question I am 24 years old and my boyfriend is 26.

We had a conversation yesterday in which he told me that he thinks that I have gone 'loopy' since I had the baby, and that he thinks that *I* should speak to a professional about how I feel, although he would like to be present because he thinks that I would not tell the 'whole truth.'

I personally do not feel as if I am out of my mind so to speak, so I am seeing my doctor later this week (alone).

Unfortunately his son returns to our home this week so I need to prepare myself for another long week.

I will keep you posted -

for your concern

DeeDee · 01-14-2008, 08:49 PM

Well thanks for letting me know your boy

age. He needs to begin acting his age then.

As for you seeking professional

, he is right but not with him there. You need to be able to relax and speak to someone about everything that is happening around you and the baby without him butting in and saying its not true or whatever.

When you see your doctor this week, tell him everything, he can

. Don't leave anything out. Tell him everything that has been going on and you are afraid to have your boy

son around. He will be able to give you some advice.

Is there a friend or your mother or sister or someone who could come and stay for the time the other boy will be there? At least it would be an extra pair of eyes and hands to

with the baby.

Good luck and keep us posted how things go.

justinsmom · 01-17-2008, 01:57 PM

Hi, I just read yours and Darlenes posts and I totally agree with Darlene. You MUST trust your own instincts. I really don't think you should let the boy hold the baby anymore. Come up with whatever excuses you have to. It only takes a split second to drop a baby and severly hurt it. This boy really seems to have some emotional problems and you don't know what's going through his head, he really might want to hurt the baby because he might see it as a way of getting all of the attention to him. I don't like the

that you've found him over the crib in the baby's room so you are definitely smart to keep the baby in the room with you when you

. Definitely talk to your doctor but you might have to get out of this situation soon. Remember, trust your instincts! We're here to

, just ask.

DeeDee · 01-17-2008, 09:58 PM

Hi Diane
Yes I really hope this lady talks to her doctor or someone and gets

with this situation. It is scarey to think of what could happen.

baby_marshall · 01-20-2008, 05:28 PM

Thank you again for your concern. Fortunately, the boy is leaving our household tomorrow

for the week, and I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

I will admit this week was very stressful. I find that I do whatever I can to keep the two children apart, whether it be taking the baby for a

to have him fall a

, or taking both children to a store where I can push the cart and have the baby pretty much in my sight. And that is not fair to my poor baby, how can he learn to grow as a person if he absolutely has to be attached to me at all times!

There is something in that child's eyes that tell me that he cannot be trusted. I have noticed this week that he stares at me and watches me while I am nursing my baby, so I have now chosen to cover up. I have also noticed him

behind walls, yet peeking around the corner watching me as I feed the baby, or talk to the baby, change is diaper, even do

etc. When I ask what he is doing, he says "I need to see what the baby is doing." Whatever that means, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have been doing some reading about attachment disorders and sibling rivalry between children with abnormal attachment is different than normal sibling rivalry. These children are children that are capable of hurting one another with no remorse, simply for attention from their caregivers.

Thank you all for your concern! I will let you know what the doctor says on Tuesday!!

DeeDee · 01-21-2008, 10:07 PM

Good luck at the doctors and glad your week is over. It is very scarey what you say about the boy watching all the time. It would make me very uneasy too.

I can't wait to hear what the doctor has to offer on this situation.
Thanks for keeping us updated.

justinsmom · 01-22-2008, 02:49 PM

Good luck, I know it's very scary but remember trust your instincts. keep us posted.

momofbpi · 01-23-2008, 07:51 AM

I hope you picked out a good dr to go talk to because they need to tell your boyfriend that you have valid concerns and Im a mom with two boys that have autism highfuncitiong to look at them you would never know they had problems they bring up inappropriate things and when our baby was born she will be 3 this year I cant leave them al one with her for too long because they might hurt her and its not on purpose they dont realize how strong they are and they do talk sometimes about hings that are not at the right time.

Trust your instinks because you are right about this and I hope your dr. agrees with you and if it keeps up its terrible to say but you might want to consider moving you and the baby out into your own place he can have visitation with your child but not with his son there.

These type of children dont realize what they are doing sometimes and I wouldnt leave them in a room by themself either your not being overprotective and your boy

son must see speacialist get there opinion on what he says and acts around the baby so your boyfriend will believe in what your saying goodluck with this all

baby_marshall · 01-23-2008, 03:44 PM

When I spoke to my doctor he agreed that there is indeed something psychologically wrong with this child. He said that the child's response to the baby is not normal and he agrees that it is highly likely that the child has suffered some sort of abuse or neglect in his life.

He also said that I am justified in never leaving my baby alone with this child, not even to go to the

room, because it is better to be safe then

.

His advice was that the boy needs to get an evaluation done as soon as possible, and he needs to be in some sort of therapy.

On Sunday night I had an interesting conversation with him. We were watching a show about polar bears at the time...

<boy> My mom wants to have a baby with her boyfriend, but I don't want her
to
<me> How come you don't want her to have a baby?
<boy> Because I just don't.
<me> Will you be mad at her if she has a baby?
<boy> No, I will not be mad at her. I will just take the baby and throw it outside, so it can go to some other girl's house.
<me> What if you hurt the baby when you throw it outside?
<boy> I will not hurt it. Some other girl will just pick the baby up off the ground and bring it home with her. That is what happens when you leave a baby on the ground, someone will come and pick it up.
<me> Do you want to do that to your brother? Do you want to throw him outside?
<boy, puts a blanket over his head> I'm gone. I'm not talking to you anymore.

As well, on Monday I went to his school to drop off lunch for him. When I spoke with his teacher, she told me that the last week he was at his mom's he had been sent home from school. She said it was because he hit her and a TA and he told the TA to "F***-off" She said that he has regressed back to his five-year old behavior, where he screams, has temper

s, lies down on the floor, etc.

And my boyfriend sees no problem with any of this. When I told him about the conversation we had about throwing the baby outside, he dismissed it as "normal jealousy" and he does not believe what the teacher said about his son hitting her and telling the TA to f-off...he does not think that there is anything wrong with his son other than the fact that he is 'behind.'

I think that I will deliver him an ultimatium. Either he gets

for his child or I will have to leave and take my baby with me. My boyfriend's son has the potential to be a good kid, but he needs professional

. It is not fair to my son that he cannot live a stable life because no one is

ing this boy. I can't even get my baby on a routine because the boy comes on a week on, week off basis, and not a day goes by without some sort of disruption.

Again

all for your posts, and I will keep you updated!!

DeeDee · 01-23-2008, 10:57 PM

Thanks for keeping us updated on this situation. I think about this all the time.
That is some conversation you had with this boy. He seems to almost have a multiple personality. It just hit me when I read, he put the blanket over his head and said he was gone now. Oh that gave me the willies.

Anyhow, do you know the mother well enough to speak to her about what has been going on and what he has said and everything? Does she have any

what this boy thinks about her having a baby? I think she too should be warned ahead of time and she should seek

for this kid right away. Obviously the father has no intentions of doing so.

I think you are making a wise decision in giving your boyfriend the ultimatum. As long as he doesn't get

about you taking the baby with you. Oh boy, what a situation this is.
The boy needs

in the worst way and he can be

ed if he gets the proper care now. Too bad the father hates to admit anything could be wrong with his son.

I do wish you lots of luck in getting out of there and sure hope someone will see this boy needs

and will go after it for his sake as well as everyone else's.

Please keep us updated. I appreciate it.

tiffysmom · 01-26-2008, 05:16 PM

I have not been here for a while something was wrong with my computer. I am reading your post and I am horrified. Your boyfriend and his family is on denial. That child has been abused very badly. One thing I tell you is that, the diagnosis that he has, he is potentially homicidal. I suggest that, you don't walk you run out of there somtimes we don't see things until they are too late to fix. Children like him have been known to burn down houses, kill their parents and siblings. Yes I do mean to scare you. I am

to say your boyfriend is part of that, when he wants to be there when you talk to a professional because, he knows how his son is and don't want no one to know. Please get out if you could go with your parents pelase leave or go to a shelter but, don't stay there. People made that child the way he is and the so called "normal jealousy" magnifies for him. He is also cunning and manipulative. He knows what his family wants to see and acts on it. I am so afraid for you. I will

but, if you do leave and visitation of your son is an issue

ask for supervised visitation. Please get out of there fast, if you don't you will regret it. I am talking out of concern and experience, my neighbor in Texas went through the same thing and her daughter is in a mental asylum becaused she killed her brother. Susan would be 24 years old now when she did this she was 5.