In my situation....please help! - Page 2

baby_marshall · 01-28-2008, 02:32 PM

I have spoken to my boyfriend about this yet again and he still dismisses the child's behavior as being normal. In the past two weeks his child has had two violent outbursts at school, hitting the teachers and swearing at them, as well he pushed a little girl and gave her a black eye. In fact, she had to be sent to the doctor from school that day.

My boyfriend claims that the reason why his son is acting out is because "he is bounced back and forth between two homes, his mom is talking about having a baby, and his dad just had one." As well, he told me that perhaps his son would treat me better if I had him interact with me and the baby more.

I am distraught because I do have to leave however I have to speak with a lawyer first regarding reasonable access. My boyfriend is very manipulative as well and is very good at making me feel stupid when I talk to him. I am so afraid that in the future my son will hate me for taking me away from his dad. My boyfriend's mentality is that I am hateful towards his child. He even threatened to tell his son that I did not like him and did not want him to come to our home. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that I thought the stress was affecting my relationship with my baby. My son seems to smile at everyone else but me...I know that sound stupid but he seems to smile at my boyfriend a lot more, and I worry that he is going to develop some sort of insecure attachment problem with me. And my boyfriend tells me that is why he thinks I am nuts and that I have post partum depression because that is not 'normal.' He also said that it's probably my fault that his son can't

at night: "Imagine if your dad went to work at night and you were stuck at home with someone who you knew didn't like you."

I guess you could say that I am afraid to stay and afraid to leave. In about an hour I have to go get that boy to bring him here for the week and I feel just

about it. My boyfriend says that I am the only one in the home with issues and that I am the only one that should see a counselor.

I have an appointment to speak with a lawyer tomorrow. I will keep you all posted. Thank you all for being here for me. My parents are three provinces away in BC and I feel so alone out here.

tiffysmom · 01-28-2008, 05:16 PM

Your boyfriend is very immature, and also wants to make you feel guilty, kids are more resilient than we think. He will not hate you for leaving his father. First of all do not tell your boyfriend anything more. The reason your baby does not smile at you is because, you are too tense once you get out of that situation and are more calm you will see your baby smile and play with you. I am

to tell yiou this but, your boyfriend seems very abusive. I mean mentally and verbally abusive the worse kind. That child was abused so bad that, he does not have any empathy or sympathy for anyone. He will fake it but, in fact he does not have it. Talk to your lawyer and then leave without looking back. You have to look out for your son. He is your biggest and only priority. Just think about this, if the kid was abused and became what he is today, imagine what kind of abuse, your child will get from him he does it now putting things in his mouth that does not go there. Take care and God bless

keep us posted.

DeeDee · 01-28-2008, 07:20 PM

Luz is absolutely right in everything she has told you. You are being abused mentally and being made to feel like you are to blame for everything. Your boyfriend is very good at shifting the blame. He is a smooth talker by the sound of it.

Why did you have to go for the boy today, could your boyfriend not go and get him himself? Why is it always you?

The school should be looking into this kid a little further. I think if other authority figures got involved, you would be in the clear, nobody could say its just you thinking this way. This kid is bad, hurting kids at school and a little girl at that. What is he going to be like in another year or two? How terrible a thing does he have to do before people wake up here.

DO NOT ALLOW your boyfriend to shift any blame onto you or make you feel stupid in any way. You are the wise and mature one here in this situation and he is by far any of those things. He is the one needs

along with his son. As for you leaving and your own son blaming you later for you not staying with his father, I went through this myself. My first hubby was a jerk, he abused me both physically and mentally and the night I left, my son was two years old. I could have had my ex up on attempted murder charges against both my son and myself because I had the marks around my throat for over two weeks. I also had witnesses to this. I was so afraid of him I wouldn't lay charges. My ex left town right after I left and has never contacted me or anything other than once to ask for a divorce because I had all the grounds. He was divorced for over a year and didnt' know it.
My son grew up without knowing his father. He found out the truth when he was about 15 and asked questions. I told him everything. I never talked bad about his father the whole time he was growing up until he was old enough to understand and ask. Your son will understand later in life also when you explain to him, it was for his protection and yours as well. My son is now almost 40 and still tells me

for looking after him and his welfare. He never once blamed me for his not having a father to grow up with.
Please don't stay just because of your son. So many people do this because of the kids and they end up in a worse situation for it. So many things can happen to both of you and how would you feel then if something happened to the baby and you knew you should have left?

I don't mean to preach, this is something you have to figure out on your own but since I have been there, done that, I feel you should leave. Tell the lawyer the situation and you don't want visiting rights unless its supervised. Try to get out of them all together if you can. Tell him also, you don't want your son around the kid any more for his safety. I am sure something can be done about that too.

"He even threatened to tell his son that I did not like him and did not want him to come to our home". This is pretty

if you ask me. This is coming from a person who is supposed to be an adult???? Give me a break. To bring kids into this is absurd the way he wants to go about it. You leave this kid out of it. He is the root of the problem.

As for your baby not smiling at you, its very possible that he doesn't but its because he can sense the tenseness in you. Babies are very tuned in to us and our moods etc. and it does have a big effect on them. So another reason, to get out now. The longer you stay in this situation, the worse it will be for everyone.

Another thing if he is blaming you for his kid not

ing at night because he knows you don't like him, well why does the father want him there then? He should be thinking of the kids feelings too. Doen't make sense to me.

Can I ask what province you are in? I am in Ontario.
Please keep us posted as to what the lawyer's advice is and I do hope you get out soon.

baby_marshall · 01-28-2008, 10:05 PM

Thank you all again

DeeDee I am in Saskatchewan

I just wanted to say that my baby does smile at me quite a bit. I think it just bugs me how my boyfriend acts like he knows everything about parenting.

I noticed today after I picked up his son - my boyfriend works a nightshift from 10pm to 6am - and he

s until like 6 at night - that his son took absolutely no interest in the baby until his dad woke up and was holding him.

I actually prefer to go get the boy because then I am in control of the situation. As my boyfriend thinks that there is no problem, he is fine with putting the baby on the floor on a blanket and allowing his son to 'play' with him.

I was feeding the baby today and of course that kid had to be climbing all over me trying to touch the baby and I couldn't say anything to him because his dad was right there. He asks questions which lead me to believe he has no understanding of what a baby is "Why are his feet small" "Why does he have small hair" "Why is he standing on you?" He actually asked me if I was going to put the baby in the dryer one time. He is constantly asking me why I said this, or why I said that to the baby. I have

with two year old who don't ask me these questions.

I also noticed that he plays with the baby toys for his own amusement, which is something that I think is strange for a seven year old.

Thank you all for

ing me realize this is not all in my head!!!!

justinsmom · 01-29-2008, 10:45 AM

I agree, now that all of this has been confirmed by a professional and after that conversion with the boy, you definitley have to leave, for your baby's sake. I will keep you in my

ers.

baby_marshall · 01-29-2008, 02:57 PM

I unfortunately had to cancel my appointment today due to the weather. It is -52 with the wind chill and I am not bringing a baby anywhere today!! I had to reschedule for next Tuesday.

I have no

of what to even say when I go anyway...can anyone give me some insight of some good questions to ask so I am prepared when I go. I am the type of person who has to write everything down or else I will go in and forget all my questions.

Thanks again everyone! My son is happily sitting in his chair listening to music and playing with his toys - he seems to be quite a happy baby given the circumstances.

As well, the school is holding parent teacher interviews this Thursday, I am thinking about going with my boyfriend (or without him) as the school psychologist will be involved in this meeting and I would be very interested in what she has to say!

I will keep you all posted

DeeDee · 01-29-2008, 10:22 PM

Thanks for keeping us updated on your situation. Sorry you had to cancel today but we had the freezing rain here. You are a couple provinces from me.

That is funny the boy never paid any attention to the baby until his father woke up. Does he get very much attention from your boyfriend at all? This could be all an attention getter. Thinking if he does something to make the baby go away, then his father will pay more attention to him.
I can see a kid his age asking questions but then again they realize what a baby is by the age of 7. He actually asked if you were going to put the baby in the dryer? Wow, what a warning sign that is. I wouldn't ever take my eyes off the baby with him around.

What is going on in your environment is not in your head. That is for sure. You are intelligent enough to see things going on and you know enough to be on guard for your own son's safety. No its not in your head.

When you see the lawyer next week, just start by telling him you need advice and

. Then proceed to tell him everything that goes on. All you have told us here, the things the boy says and does, how you feel about leaving the baby alone in the room with him, how his father reacts to this, etc. Tell the lawyer everything, don't leave a thing out. Then ask his advice on what you should and can do. Tell him you would rather not have a

over visitation if you leave but you dont' want the father to be alone with the baby because of the boy. Ask his advice on who you could talk to or where you could go etc. he can

you so tell him everything. Don't leave anything out at all. Make sure you write everything down. If you can't talk about it, just write it down and give the paper to the lawyer. Let him read it. Just be sure not to leave anything out.

As for the school meeting, I think its a great

for you to go. I would be sure to take time and talk to the psychologist while there. You may find out more than you already know or you could fill them in. Between both of you , there could be some answers for you. It sure can't do any harm.
I wish you luck at the school and with the lawyer and yes

keep us updated.

Thanks

baby_marshall · 02-01-2008, 01:17 PM

My boyfriend didn't let me go to the interview, and all he said was that it went fine. I don't think the psychologist was there because I know my boyfriend would have mentioned her.

I just had a similar conversation with the boy about throwing his mom's baby outside. I asked him again, what if the baby got hurt or even died? He said that it wouldn't. I asked him why he didn't throw his brother outside and his response was "Because he can't walk."

I was trying to burp my son when he came and just stood by me and didn't say anything he just stared at me. I asked him what he was doing and he said, I'm just looking at him. I asked him "Do you like your brother ?" and he looked down and kinda growled out "yes" but I wasn't convinced. I asked him again why he didn't want to throw his brother outside and his demeanor brightened and he said "Because YOU said that he would die in the snow." and he although he did say "I don't want him to get hurt" I again felt chills. I feel as if he were patronizing me, reiterating what I had said before to tell me what I wanted to hear, and I again felt the sudden urge to get in the car with my son and just

away and not look back.

As for observing his behavior this week...when I asked him if he apologized to that girl who's eye he hurt he said that she was not at school because her eye had to get fixed. Then he said, "Her eye is red, because of me." I felt like he was almost bragging to me.

He also kept trying to follow his 5 year old cousin into the

room, although he was told not to that day, and a million other times before. As well, I brought my baby into the

room with me as I was just going to hose him down in the shower with me, so I asked the boy if he had to go to the

room. He said no, so I locked the

room door behind me. After we were done in the shower, I put a warm towel on the floor so I could dress my baby, and as soon as I sat down, a hand slid under the door. I asked him what he was doing and he ran away.

On two occasions this week, he was playing in his room, so I put the baby in his swing so I could do

. And both times, within seconds of me turning my back to the swing, I turned around and he was standing right there by the swing. I didn't even hear him!

Each day the

feeling in my stomach gets worse. My mom said that she is feeling bad vibes too and she's a 12-hr

away!!

DeeDee · 02-02-2008, 12:14 AM

Well I think this should tell you something if your mother is feeling the bad vibes that far away. Please don't wait until you are saying, "I should have", it will be too late then.

This child needs

and he isn't going to get it from his father. You can't do much about it if the boyfriend wouldn't allow you to go to the school meeting. You had a right to be there if that kid is staying with you for a week at a time. That should be a sign too.

He almost sounds like he is possessed. I would be afraid of this kid and sure wouldn't be sitting around waiting. I will keep you in my

ers that something will come along to

you get out before something happens.

Please keep up updated and thanks for what you have done so far.

tiffysmom · 02-04-2008, 07:24 AM

I spoke to my son's therapist she states that, your husband knows exactly what his son is and is capable of doing. He thinks that, he has it under control and is imposing him on you. I live in New York and don'tknow tha laws in Canada but, if that child was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Global Developmental Delay, he would not be with his parents at all. His parents did this to him. Also he would be in medication and the school would have done something already. One meeting and then The Agency for Children Services would have stepped in already. The therapist says that, a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder would be very dangerous as he got older, very dangerous. She said for you to stop side stepping the issue and leave, so what that your parents are 12 hours away, just leave your boyfriend can't make you do anything he is not married to you and as far as the child is concerned, tell a lawyer after you have gone and ask for suppervised visits. Your boyfirend is palying with fire when it comes to his son. She also said that, the family is lying and been lying to you, they do know that, this kid is dangerous and violent. She also told me something very interesting, that children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder have learned from their father, he must have beaten his mother and the child saw it. Please leave.

DeeDee · 02-04-2008, 11:37 PM

Thanks for adding all this Luz. That is very interesting.

I really think to that you should be out of there now. Take your baby and just go. You won't be doing any wrong, just protecting yourself and the baby. Don't tell your boyfriend you are going, just GET OUT>

tiffysmom · 02-05-2008, 04:48 AM

Dee Dee yes she should leave and don't tell him anything. She really has to go. I feel for her but, my hands are tied if I lived near her she would have been gone already.

DeeDee · 02-05-2008, 09:26 PM

I agree Luz. I would have packed my things while he was gone to work and got out. No word left as to where I was either. Just gone.
I sure hope this lady gets out soon.

baby_marshall · 02-06-2008, 02:25 PM

My meeting with a lawyer did not go well. He said that it would be a contentious application to try to keep the children apart, and supervised visits are unlikely. Mind you, I did not like him right off the bat so I was reserved in my description of the situation. I am going to go see a female lawyer soon, however my car is now dead in my

way so I need to get that fixed asap!!

My parents are coming to visit me in a week and a half, and I am so relieved that they are coming!! Right now I'm enjoying my free time with my son

Thank you all, I will keep you all posted as always!!

DeeDee · 02-06-2008, 09:22 PM

Yes I agree you should keep a lot to yourself until you know how the lawyer will be. This guy sounds like a dip stick to me. I hope the next lawyer you see gives you better advice and offers some

to you.
I hope your car is fixed very soon.

Glad to hear your parents are coming to visit. Maybe they will see a lot while they are there. Could you leave with your parents when they leave or could they

you to get out of there? There has to be something you can do.

Thanks for keeping us posted. We do worry you know.