HELP!! Sibling rivalry out of control!!!

GraspingGrace · 06-15-2006, 09:40 PM

Okay ladies ... as always, I'm in need of

I'm at my wits end!!! I have two 13 year old boys (no, not twins ... actually 6 months apart ... one is my son and the other is our foster son that we are adopting). They are always at each other's throats. I understand this is somewhat normal but my son is a drama "king" (can't be a

cuz he's a boy LOL) and he blows everything out of proportion; however, the other one is a great actor ... he can't be seen in a bad light so he pretends to be a perfect

and NEVER shoulders the blame. On top of that he tends to be sarcastic and mouthy. The problem with him is that he treats adults as his "buddy" because his bio family has been more of a buddy system than a parental system. He thinks he has the right to say/do what adults do. Anyway, we are to the point where I could cheerfully boot them both out the door and not EVER let them back in LOL. Seriously ... it's been pretty bad lately. Everyone is stressed out over the move and the boys now must share a room so to prepare them for it we have put their beds in the same room and they only share at night ... but it's been a constant battle every single night. Now it's creeping into their daily lives ... constant hitting, name calling, hand gestures and facial expressions, kicking each other under the table, screaming at each other at the top of their lungs ... I haven't seen our dogs in days!!! They only come up to get leashed up for their daily walks, to eat/drink and to go outside to do their business -- it's not right!!! To add to the trouble ... they are both ADHD and our foster/adoptive son is also OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I NEED SOME SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO COMBAT THIS BEHAVIOR!!! My husband is an only child so he has no sibling experience and I have a brother and sister but they lived with my dad and I lived with my mother so I grew up as an only child and have no experience to draw on either.

DeeDee · 06-15-2006, 11:43 PM

Oh boy, sounds like you need advice or something just to keep you sane.
I think a lot of this is jealousy on both boys parts. I think your son feels that this other boy is moving in on "his" territory, taking "his" parents, moving into "his" home, and now has to share "his" bedroom too. How long has he been with you? Your foster son I mean? Has it always been this way or is it just cropping up now?
I dont' know what to tell you other than to sit both of them down and explain that like it or not, they have to learn how to share and get along because "he" (the foster son) isn't going anywhere. He is staying. Then you have to tell the foster son, that he is to respect your son's things etc. because it was his home first. He is willing to let him live there and share his bedroom etc. so he should be happy about that.
Tell them they just have to learn to get along because they have a lot of years yet to live with each other. How would they feel if you and your hubby went around doing the same thing those two boys are doing? Think it would have any reaction on them? Worth thinking about.

I wish you luck, maybe talking to a counsellor can offer some

to you as well. I never had that predicament to be in so have no

.

DeeDee

GraspingGrace · 06-16-2006, 12:32 PM

Afternoon DeeDee ... J has been with us for a little over two years. Prior to entering into the foster care situation ... we sat down with our son and talked it all out and he wanted to do this ... he wanted a brother. I understand it probably isn't quite what he expected.

I like your

about asking if the adults in the family acted as they do ... that's one we'll try!!!

I also do understand our son and his feelings about this "kid" moving in and taking over. He has always been the type of kid that blows things way out of proportion but it's gotten worse. J was not like this in the beginning but after all the classes we've taken we know that happens often because the kids are on their best behavior so they are wanted. This behavior has cropped up over the last 1/2 year. He is a very charming kid and he knows how to work people so they believe he's this near perfect child but when he's home ... he's terrible. Even his bio relatives find it hard to believe because he's on his best behavior ... he's even told me to my face he acts differently there because he doesn't see them often!!! When we're settled in Indiana I plan on finding some local adoption groups and also some foster parenting groups for some support because I'm losing this battle!!!

I will definitely try the how would you feel route

As always DeeDee ... thanks!!!

DeeDee · 06-21-2006, 12:19 AM

Mechele, another thing you can do is try to tape him or video him when he is acting up. Try getting him to admit again (on tape without him knowing) that he is acting differently there because he doesnt' see those people that often. Then let the people hear it.
Have you ever told him, you and your hubby thought he was special and wanted to give him a good home but he doesnt' seem to be appreciating that. He has to do his part there too. Anyhow you are w.elcome and I hope things work out.

DeeDee