I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
d to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right
-- visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Joe Namath
Youth would be an
l state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac..
Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything...
Unknown
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