I have two boys ... both 13. We are having some problems. Here's my situation. We are a family of 5 -- my husband, myself, our two boys and my mother. Currently, my husband just began working at a great job ... three states away!! We have put our home up for sale and will be moving to join him when it sells. Now, that leaves me home with the two boys who have decided they don't need to follow the rules, they are teens and know everything and they don't really care whether someone is coming to see the house!!!! I have quietly decided to let them have their fun for a week ... I am writing down every little thing they have not done ... it's quite a HUGE list. Now, mind you ... their chores consist of very little. There is backyard duty (we have dogs), kitchen and room garbage, recycling as well as getting garbage and recycling to the curb once a week for pick up. They are also required to pick up their rooms every night before bed time, comes down on Wednesdays and Saturdays and they must put away their own clothing properly. Since we are selling the house and people are coming to look at it, I require their desks to be neat (meaning everything put any where it belongs!!!) and their closets and shelves neat. I do not want their belongings strewn around the house ... like shoes in the dining room, school books left on the dining room table, combs, military bracelets supporting our tr, drink glasses, etc. left on kitchen counters, etc. Oh, and did I mention they are to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. AFTER having brushed their teeth by themselves ... without anyone telling them to do it???? Honestly moms ... is this too much to ask????
I'm wondering what you expect of YOUR children. Please take a moment to tell me what your kids' ages are and what they are expected to do. If you pay them ... I'd be interested in what you pay them and why you pay them to do it. Also, if you don't pay them to do these things ... why.
I will be changing their routines this weekend. ALL TV, video games ... basically all electronics will be taken away. They will be required to entertain each other and themselves and they are NOT going to be allowed to join the general population of the household ... they may NOT expect me and grandma to entertain them. They will only come downstairs to do their regimented chores and have meals ... or to go outside!! We are changing to a military regimented family until their get it in their heads they have responsibilities and I expect them to do these things whether dad is here or not!!! GGGGRRRRRRRR
I appreciate everyone's time and value all your opinions!!!!!
My trio will be 9 and i need to figure out what rules and how to go about inforcing them myself. I want them to clean up and keep the house clean and there room and told them I would give them an allowance but that doesnt seem to motivate them.
I also just found out one of them is autistic with aspergers syndrome and now I have to find a specific way to explain things to him so he processes them. in a few weeks I am going to sit down and make a chart with jobs that need to be done and a reward for a months work of good jobs done and see if that movitvates them. Your kids are old enough to know better but since the man of the house isnt there there going to play games. I would have you rhusband call them and tell them that there will be consequences once they get to the knew house.
I hear you on that one!!! I have had the chart thing ... I had personal chore lists and I put them in protective sheets and put them on their brand new bulletin boards in their rooms, I put them on the refridgerator and even resorted to one on the back door!!! After a couple days ... they just didn't bother to check them anymore. Both my boys have ADHD so they need to be reminded ... I would say, every single , have you checked your lists??? The answer was always YES ... and still things weren't done. It's obvious they are not interested in doing what they are being told to do. It is also painfully obvious I have not been consistent at making myself clear and following through with the punishments ... if I had ... they would not be acting this way when I truly need them to be ful!!! This is why I'm looking to hear what everyone else is doing as far as rewards and punishments and what would be a realistic expectation for boys their age to do on a daily basis without having to be told every single step of the way.
Our Caitlin has recently been put on a very strict chore schedule. We were at our wits end with her. She would do the same stuff, over and over and over again, get grounded, have everything taken away, and then before we could even unground her she would do the same stuff again. After a LOT of Fighting (me & Caitlin, Me and my DH, DH and Caitlin) we put her in counseling. We got custody of her 2 years ago from her mother, who is an alcoholic and drug users. She has issues. She feels like she's equal to us as far as the heirarchy of our family becuase she was always more of a 'mother' to her mother than vice versa...it's all she's known. She never had chores or responsibilities...and not much was expected from her. Her mother just didn't care as long as she could get drunk or stoned and Caitlin stayed out of her hair. Our rules and expectations came as quite a Shock to her. You can imagine that getting her to respect our rules and do what she is asked has not come easy to her. I would some days sit and just be flabbergasted at how she just didn't seem to care that she was told not to do something, yet did it anyway....or told to do something and just did not do it. The way I was raised made it impossible for me to accept this as 'normal' behavior. Come to find out, it's not. (figured that out through counseling)
Anyway, we started a regimine with the Help of her counselor. Caitlin has a list of chores she is expected to do EVERYDAY.
1. Unload/load the dishwasher
2. Clean & Sweep the livingroom.
3. Feed & Water the guinea pigs and cats everyday.
4. Clean & Sweep the kids' Bathroom.
On Mon & Thursday she is to clean her bedroom.
On Wednesday she is to clean out the guinea pigs cage.
I keep a calendar in the kitchen. For everyday that she does her chores, and does them ALL 100% (very important) she gets $1/day. If she gives attitude, 'forgets' (her favorite excuse), does even just one of her chores 95% then she loses her $1 for the day. This is the ONLY money she has. She has to use this money for Friends' birthday presents (girls her age have a LOT of slumber/birthday parties), movies, Dances, even Jr. Prom. We buy her clothes and necessities and give her lunch money, but for all extra she is on her own. If she gets money for birthdays or Christmas, it goes in the bank. She is not allowed to 'get' any money from anyone, but us. What she earns. We still ground her from computer or phone or TV for other offenses. She is getting ready to hang herself...which is what it will probably take for her to learn that her 'fate', so to speak, is in her hands. We sat down with her the other day and said "You used the last dime of money you had going to the Dance last Friday. Prom is 35 days away. Your dress is $35. Your ticket is $10. Your meal another $10-$15. How do you propose you're going to earn the money to go?" She did her chores ONE day last week. Well, on Wednesday she didn't clean her room. Even though she did everything else, she lost her $1 for the day. One day she didn't give the guinea pigs water..she lost her $1 even though she did everything else. For the month of March, 23 days in, she's probably done her chores like she's supposed to MAYBE 10 days. There is no cutting her slack, there is no buying her the dress anyway or giving her the money to do something she wants if she hasn't earned it, and there is no accepting 90% of a job done. She hates it. Cried her eyes out the other day when we talked to her. I asked her repeatedly "why are you not doing your chores? Do you think we're just going to give you the money to go do what you want? To go to your prom?" Her response was "I'm just lazy" I said "well, great Caitlin, you remember that when you're sitting her and your Friends are at prom". She screwed around and didn't do them but just a few days out of a 2 week period of time in February then came to me and asked to do extra chores to earn extra money. We told her she could when we started the program. I told her no and I explained that she was no going to shirk her responsiblities when it was convienient for her but then come back and earn back all she had lost by goofing off for 2 weeks by doing extra stuff. I told her that the 'extra' money was only going to be earned when she showed that she could be responsible for the stuff she was asked on a daily basis. This is a program designed for children like Caitlin who seem to have no 'currency'. Nothing that you can take from her that really seems to effect her ability to understand and respect authority. So now all that she wants to do is taken from her if she shirks her responsibility and if she does what she's told, she gets rewarded by being able to afford to go places with her Friends.
My 7-year-old is currently cleaning her bedroom. That will be her responsibility on Thursdays now too. I am going to start early with her and she will just 'do it' as a natural part of her life when she's older. I came home from school, my sister and brother as well, and we cleaned the house EVERYDAY before our parents even got home from work...and started supper. We didn't get an 'allowance' per say, but we got money to go see movies on the weekends and stuff. Kenzie won't get allowance either, but she will be allowed to do stuff that she wants if she does her chores. I Pray we never have to resort to the method we've had to with Caitlin, but you never know.
Let your boys start sitting a few 'social events' out because they haven't earned the money to go and they might start to shape up. Allowance never motivated Caitlin either, because someone was always giving her the money she needed to do whatever she wanted.
Oh Sherri ... did that ever hit home!!! One of my boys is a foster child we are smack in the middle of adopting and he sounds alot like Caitlin!! He has a mother like her mother!!! I like what the counsellor has you doing with her ... sounds like this might be something I can use Thank you so very much for sharing ... it's a great !!! Sunday is the day ... the bomb will be dropped on them both ... this is going to be a very sad household but in the long run ... it will be for the best. Thanks so much for sharing!!!
The key to the system is keeping the chores "reasonable" and accepting nothing more than 100%. They won't care at first, and you'll be ready to throw the whole out the window, but hang in there. Caitlin did SO good for about 2 weeks, then it went all to heck. We've broken the rules by sitting her down and saying "you're getting ready to hang yourself by slacking" but this is acceptable at first. We've only been doing it a little over 2 months. After a while they are on their own. CUT THEM NO SLACK...and tell everyone in both sides of the family that they are never allowed to give them money. If they want to buy them clothes or stuff, that's fine, but they are never allowed to give them cash. We worry about Caitlin's mom giving her money behind our backs, but for now she's shacking up with a guy, not working, and pregnant...she has nothing to give.
Our BIGGEST issue used to be getting her Daddy to tell her no to ANYTHING. He and I had to go to counseling ourselves because our disagreeing on how to raise her almost tore our marriage apart. When he finally saw that she was dividing and conquering us he finally started backing me...before that he 'enabled' her by making excuses for her behavior, getting mad at ME when I would fuss at her for ANYTHING, etc. If your DH is on the same page as you, and supports you, you have 1/2 the battle won already. It was a long hard road we traveled to get to this point. When he and I went to see Caitlin's counselor and I told him "I feel like she's trying to destroy our marriage" and the counselor said "Of course she is, if it's just her and her Daddy, she would get everything she wants" I think it hit Dean like a ton of bricks. He still sometimes has to bite his lip to keep from opening his mouth when he does not agree with me but he doesn't say a word...not in front of her. Man, I do not miss those days.
I truly do wish you the best. It's hard raising a kid let alone raising one with special circumstances. A lot of it IS normal teenaged behavior, but not behavior I am ever willing to lay down and accept.
Incase anyone is wondering why we don't make Keith do chores, he's autistic. Low functioning. Doesn't talk. I'm just happy if he doesn't get mad at throw things.
Mechele, sounds like my house. Summer is 13 and Skye is 19. With summer it is a constant reminder battle. And with Skye it is more of an "I'm 19 and can do what I want " battle. Summer has to do and clean the room and bring in the pellets for our pellet stove. Skye is supposed to do 2 loads of laund.ry and either sweep or dust each day except for thurs, her long day at college. I set these rules a month or so ago because Skye had the attitude I am not doing anything if I don't want to and I'm but as long as she lives here she has to out. I know she has a full load between college and work but she still s to make the messes of the household. All I expected of her was to do some and other odds and ends as her time allowed. Well that did not happen so I lay down the law. My dh agreed with me but has not really ed enforce it and to be honest she has pretty much thrown it back in my face but I am getting tougher. As for Summer we had to crack down with the homework stuff because her midterms were not good. I honestly feel it is just like when they were two, you have to be consistent. It should not be that way especially when they are 19 but that seems to be the pattern. We do give Summer an allowance and it does get cut if things are not done.I dont' know, maybe Sherri's would work here for her too. Not sure about the 19 year old though since she makes her own money. I guess I will have to give it more thought. Sorry I am not very ful here but thought you might like to know I am going through it too. And NO I do NOT think you expect too much from them. That is not very much at all. I personally think kids have too much time on their hands and get bored and learn attitude. I think all parents should try like we are (all of us ladies) to teach our kids to do chores and out since they live in the house.
Well, I gotta go get ready for work, I wish you all the best ladies!! Bye for now!!
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A Peanut Sat On A Railroad Track, His Heart Was All Aflutter, Along Came A Choo-Choo Train, And Now He's
PEANUT BUTTER!!
Yesterday was bedroom cleaning day. I told her "clean your room, clean out from under your computer desk, beside your bed, under your dresser, clean off your bed and make it up. Put all dirty clothes in the hamper and clean ones are to be folded or hung up and put away". I told her this TWICE. She didn't do it. She had bags packed to go spend the night with her cousin today, was even riding the bus home with her. I put a screetching halt to those plans. She is now coming home and she will be cleaning her room all afternoon. My husband told me the next time she doesn't clean her room (a BIG issue we have with her - she HATES it) he said he's going in with a big garbage bag and he'll leave her nothing to clean. I guess she thought she would sneak out and when we noticed that she hadn't done it, it would be too late...she'd have already gotten what she wanted.
Polly, I left home at the age of 20. I was responsible for the same chores (cleaning, ing with the cooking) at 20 as I was at 12. Plus I was expected to work as well. Not for rent money or anything, but so that I didn't rely on my parents for clothes, gas money, movie money, etc. I think you're 100% right to expect your college aged daughter to .
I kept forgetting to mention the most important tool that the counselor shared with me that has ed make a HUGE difference in the amount of time Caitlin and I spend Arguing over her chores. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT. Never show Anger when saying "you're not going to the movies with your because you did not do what I asked" If they want to , scream, yell, whatever..let them, but tell them to go do it on their own time, in their own room. My favorite is "I am you feel that way, but it's really not my problem". Caitlin HATES that one. HATES not being able to get a rise out of me. Hates that I tell her "do it or else" but yet I don't stand there and Argue with her for 30 mintues anymore, until I'm in tears and she wins the battle. He said if you go for 30 days and don't show any emotion (showing emotion shows them that you are NOT in control and gives them a reason to keep on battling you for control) and then lose it and get Angry or you've undone 30 days of work...and you're back to square one.
I know I'm mean and sadistic, but I Love to look at her and tell her "It's unfortunate that you feel that way, but there is no Arguement here. I already told you no, now go to your room if you want to be mad or Cry about it."
It's a pleasant change from ME being the one that was always Angry and ing. It's very liberating to actually take back control of my household.
Oh yes Sherri!! I have used that one for some time and it s them nuts!! I've even taken it a step further ... if they scream and yell I stand there and keep tabs on the time and I write it down (date, time and the reason they were screaming) ... then when they have earned time for TV or going somewhere, etc. I remove that much time from their free time and remind them (by showing them my notebook) why they have lost some of the time ... it works like a charm.
Ladies ... you have all had some great suggestions and advice and I truly appreciate it.
Sherri ... I laid down the law this and I've used some of the suggestions from this post and it's working quite nicely. I had them pack up ALL their electronics including their alarm clocks. I went out and bought inexpensive wind-up clocks and that's what they must use for now -- there are NO radios allowed!!! No computers, any type of electronic games, no electronic toys of any sort ... PERIOD. I have even removed their kids palm pilots (basically nothing but electronic address books) because they have basic electronic games on them
I watch my one son brush his teeth because he's has an attitude about brushing so now it is mandatory to brush them in front of me!!! From 8:15 to 8:30 they are to pick up their rooms and then they read 1/2 every single night from 8:30 to 9:00 p.m. then they have 15 minutes to brush, floss, wash faces and get changed and in bed!!! As a punishment for their behavior and lack of respect and total disobedience to my authority ... not only have they lost all electronics ... the next week they are only allowed to play in their own room or they may play together (with nothing but toys) ... they can also go outside to play. I know ... that doesn't sound like much of a grounding ... but I am talking about two kids that I have to FORCE to go outside ... one is 13 and feels he is above playing outside (that's for "kids") and the other is a TV/game-a-holic ... physical activity is boring to him. UGH. Anyway ... they are NOT allowed to spend any time in the "family" parts of the house unless it's meal time. They may NOT seek adult attention or entertainment whatsoever. If they are not outside ... they are to be in their bedrooms ... period. It's killing them. We went grocery today and they wanted to wander the store ... look a Yu-Gi-Oh cards, etc. and I refused. I told them point blank ... they are disobedient and they cannot follow directions so they are not safe or mature enough to go off alone in a store ... I made them stay right with me the whole time ... it was almost a fate worse than death LOL. I had one woman staring at me the whole time ... and when one of the kids smarted off about it not being fair ... I said "Fair??? I'll tell you what's not fair ... not fair is a parent having two kids ages 12 and 13 who cannot follow simple directions, be obedient and respectful ... THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" The woman chuckled, had a big grin on her face and shook her head in agreement!!!! Woo Hoo ... it was great to have some support!!!!
Anyway, I'll keep y'all posted on how things go ... I am determined they will learn to do the basics on their own!!! OH YEAH!!! That reminds me ... every Sunday afternoon they will be having what I call a life's lesson. Next Sunday they will each take 1/2 of the dirty and "HAND WASH" them!! As I said ... they are electronic kids and the thought of doing anything without an electronic gadget is simply beyond their comprehension ... therefore ... we are going back to the basics every Sunday afternoon and we will learn how to do things ... gulp ... manually!!!! EEEEEKKKKK
Shawn is 7. The problem we were running into was all he wanted to do was watch movies, pllay games, anything with electronics. He whined whenever he had to around the house or do anything hygenie wise.
Soooo I made up a schedule for him: AM SCHEDULE
Get out of bed
Get dressed
Brush teeth chores
Bus (8am)
PM SCHEDULE
4:10~ get off bus, Free Time
5:00~ Homework
5:30~ PM Chores
6:00~ Dinner
6:30~ Pick out clothes for tommorrow, Free Time
7:30~ Shower, Brush Teeth
8:00~ Story Time
8:30~ Bedtime
He then has a list of chores Shawn's Chores
*Set & Clear Table
*Help Make Dinner
*Feed Pets
*Clean up after Wesley or Andy
*Clean Bathroom (floor & counters)
*Put all dirty clothes in hamper
*Vacuum Living Room Floor
*Pick up toys & trash from yard
*Clean his room
*Clean up dirty around the house
When ever Shawn does a chore he gets a ticket. He has to do chores during designated chore times but if he wants he can do them during free time also. Such as if he is playing outside during free time and cleans up the toys and trash while out there, something like that. During shore time he chooses the chores he does. None are required.
He loses a ticket if he doesn't do something on his schedule.
He redeems tickets for 15 mins of video games or tv time or he can get 10 cents for each ticket. I also plan on makinig a box of goodies like a mini store that he can shop in with the tickets. So far it is working out great.
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Betsy in Maryland
Mom To:
Shawn (9/30/98)
Wesley (5/21/04)
In this house we all have chores and I mean everyone. If anyone does not do their chores there is a donation can wich we use for cursing , not doing chores and other infractions. They have to put in a dollar of their money and will lose the daily stypend which is a dollar that would be 2 dollars. My daughter is 7 and when she was younger she kept her room clean now is a big issue. What ever gets left behind that is not clean it gets tossed they know this and so does my husband. I have been know to throw away toys, clothing and many things they want. Right now all TV and computer priviledges are gone from my son's life. No was given to me on Friday. We went to see Ice Age 2 as a treat and he stood home doing extra chores. He hates me right now but, I could not care less. He will do as he is told or else the athmosphere will get worse. There was a time he only had a mattress in the floor with bedding nothing in that room at all everything was under lock and key and now that he is 14 he thinks I will not do it. I will.
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tiffysmom
Domestic Goddess.
I know that God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish he didn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa
I felt, for well over a year after we won custody of Caitlin, that I had lost all control of my house. I have finally gotten control back. Control of my emotions, more than anything, I guess...and it's such a great feeling. I tell Caitlin all the time she can hate me until she's 18 or 38 I don't care, but either way she'll mind and do what she's told. I tell her all the time that she's got 4 more mandatory years here and she can either do her chores and follow our rules or she can be miserable. That's my job. Not to be her friend but to guide her and try to teach her some responsibility...and love and protect her from herself.
Okay moms - I NEED OPINIONS/HELP!!!!
room garbage, recycling as well as getting garbage and recycling to the curb once a week for pick up. They are also required to pick up their rooms every night before bed time, 
comes down on Wednesdays and Saturdays and they must put away their own clothing properly. Since we are selling the house and people are coming to look at it, I require their desks to be neat (meaning everything put any where it belongs!!!) and their closets and shelves neat. I do not want their belongings strewn around the house ... like shoes in the dining room, school books left on the dining room table, combs, military bracelets supporting our tr
, drink glasses, etc. left on kitchen counters, etc. Oh, and did I mention they are to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. AFTER having brushed their teeth by themselves ... without anyone telling them to do it???? Honestly moms ... is this too much to ask???? 
, have you checked your lists??? The answer was always YES ... and still things weren't done. It's obvious they are not interested in doing what they are being told to do. It is also painfully obvious I have not been consistent at making myself clear and following through with the punishments ... if I had ... they would not be acting this way when I truly need them to be 
ful!!! This is why I'm looking to hear what everyone else is doing as far as rewards and punishments and what would be a realistic expectation for boys their age to do on a daily basis without having to be told every single step of the way.
Thank you so very much for sharing ... it's a great 
out the window, but hang in there. Caitlin did SO good for about 2 weeks, then it went all to heck. We've broken the rules by sitting her down and saying "you're getting ready to hang yourself by slacking" but this is acceptable at first. We've only been doing it a little over 2 months. After a while they are on their own. CUT THEM NO SLACK...and tell everyone in both sides of the family that they are never allowed to give them money. If they want to buy them clothes or stuff, that's fine, but they are never allowed to give them cash. We worry about Caitlin's mom giving her money behind our backs, but for now she's shacking up with a guy, not working, and pregnant...she has nothing to give. 
to both of you!!
and clean the 
but as long as she lives here she has to 
because you did not do what I asked" If they want to 
, scream, yell, whatever..let them, but tell them to go do it on their own time, in their own room. My favorite is "I am 
you've undone 30 days of work...and you're back to square one. 
ing.
s them nuts!! I've even taken it a step further ... if they scream and yell I stand there and keep tabs on the time and I write it down (date, time and the reason they were screaming) ... then when they have earned time for TV or going somewhere, etc. I remove that much time from their free time and remind them (by showing them my notebook) why they have lost some of the time ... it works like a charm.
today and they wanted to wander the store ... look a Yu-Gi-Oh cards, etc. and I refused. I told them point blank ... they are disobedient and they cannot follow directions so they are not safe or mature enough to go off alone in a store ... I made them stay right with me the whole time ... it was almost a fate worse than death LOL. I had one woman staring at me the whole time ... and when one of the kids smarted off about it not being fair ... I said "Fair??? I'll tell you what's not fair ... not fair is a parent having two kids ages 12 and 13 who cannot follow simple directions, be obedient and respectful ... THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" The woman chuckled, had a big grin on her face and shook her head in agreement!!!! Woo Hoo ... it was great to have some support!!!!
You are my hero!
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