Pulling my hair out.....

Countrymama · 03-30-2004, 02:48 PM

Does anyone have any sugestions for me? My 11 year old daughter is driving me

! She wont do anything I tell her to and the big thing that is causing problems between me and DH is that she wont clean her room. I am by no means the worlds neatest housekeeper, I just want to be able to walk in her room without stepping on things. I was just in her room and have two 33 gal trash bags full of dirty clothes (we had just done her

Saturday) not to mention I also got 2 bags of trash out of her room and I didnt even go under her bed or around the edges. Just the middle part. My mother says that its my job to do everything for her, I dont think so. When I was her age I was doing

for the family and anything else I was told, but my mother doesnt seem to remember that.

Ok I think I may have gotten off topic, my question was what I could do to motivate her.

Thanks for reading this.

Bruinsmama · 03-30-2004, 06:57 PM

My son is only 2 but I read the "Parenting" magazine advice & articles for all ages since I know he will one day be a Preteen Teen, etc!

It seems like the most popular advice lately is to find her hot button and push it. Everyone has a hot button, this is the thing they love to do. Say she likes to watch a certain TV program. Then tell her that the room has to be cleaned or no TV program.

I hope this

s????

GraspingGrace · 03-30-2004, 07:21 PM

WOW!!! You are in the same boat I am my dear!! I have an almost 11 year old boy and I am going through the same thing but it's not just his room. He is choosing what rules he wants to follow. My DH and I are at odds in some areas because he thinks I'm being too hard on him and that he needs to be a kid!! WHAT???? For

ing out loud ... if he would just get his chores and homework done then he would have tons of time "to be a kid!!"

Unfortunately ... I don't have any advice as I am struggling with the same thing. What Chris said about the hot buttons works somewhat with my son but not all the time. Sometimes he just gets the attitude that he doesn't care about anything so my incentives don't work.

I'm looking forward to seeing if anyone else has suggestions. Thanks for posting this question.

swtlissa68 · 03-31-2004, 12:12 AM

Countrymama, boy when I read your post, I thought u were talking about my daughter!.........it has been so bad lately.........I have to ask her at least 3 times to do something...........and finally I had to yell at her, and it hurt her feelings, and she cried and was hurt.....but something is getting done (somewhat) the problem is not over........I still have to remind her of her daily duties...........which is cleaning her room, putting away

, and clearing the table, and cleaning and feeding her bunny. that is everyday chores. Do u think she would remember them after a year of me preaching? (THE ANSWER IS NO) I have tried rewards....like every chore she does, without me asking her to do them she gets a star on the calender and that is worth 50 cents........it worked for about a week, then she stopped.....if anyone has any other

s to get my child to motivate

do tell..........cuz I am getting to my wits end, and I will have to start to yell...........and I dont want it to get to that.

GraspingGrace · 03-31-2004, 08:09 AM

Sounds like we all are having similar problems!!

I have to be honest ... I had my son in therapy for his ADHD behavior (teaching us, as parents, how to handle discipline for an ADHD child and

ing him to learn how to

himself with focus and discipline issues) and this man insists that even though he is almost 11 he should still be subjected to timeouts. One minute for each year of his life ... so at the moment a 10 minute timeout IMMEDIATELY for the infraction. I admit ... we don't always follow through but when we do it does seem to straighten him out. The timeout is done in the quietest area of the home but one that is in view of someone at all times so that he is not playing. There is to be no moving around, no talking, no playing with things, sit up straight and total quiet. If there is fussing or any other breaking of the timeout rules you add one minute for each infraction. The first time he ended up with a 32 minute timeout and that has never happened again LOL. So I guess I'm saying I should try the timeout thing again. It annoys him because he thinks it's a baby punishment ... I remind him that's how he is acting.

Using timeouts forces the parent to be diligent (which is my problem -- I admit it). Give it a try and let us know how it works. I actually told my son this

that we are going back to the timeouts ... boy did he whine LOL.

I am in the process right now of printing out little posters to hang around the house to remind us to implement the timeouts.

This post

ed me remember what the therapist said ... and also what happened last night. He came home from school and said homework wasn't due until Thursday and can he go to his friend's house. I said yes but reminded him of his chores that must be done and that he was to be home by 5:30 (he knows we have dinner between 5:30 and 6:00). He came home at 5:26, dumped all his stuff (video games and homework!!!!) on the front porch and then disappeared outside to play with other kids in the neighborhood. Never once did he come in and say he was home and ask if he could go play a little longer (which I would have said YES to!!!). He didn't come home until 6:40!! Mind you ... he was right across the street and saw his grandmother come home AND his father so he KNEW dinner was ready!! Then he acted all surprised that he was in trouble and when asked about his watch ... he shrugged his shoulders and said he forgot to put it on!! I know I probably should have called him in when he wasn't in here at 5:30 but exactly when should I stop riding him and force the issue of his becoming responsible for his own actions?? Is 10 (well, he will be 11 in a month!!!) too young to be expected to pay attention and follow his parental directions??? I don't think so but some might ... what do you think???

Countrymama · 03-31-2004, 03:57 PM

Boy I am so glad there are other moms out there going through this. (Not that I wish this on anyone) Nikki knows i mean business now. not sure how long it will last. Last night hse was doing her

I had gathered and she was told to put them away. she did well for about one load, then she started

them again because she didnt want to do it. well last night after I saw the weather, about 10.30, I went back and found a pile on the floor under other things. so I woke her up and made her put them away while she was puting her towels away i went in her closet and there was more, then she started putting them away and then I found some in drawers that were to be hung up. she wasnt alowed to go back to bed until it was all put away, she was really whinny but I got the point across. I think. I asked her why she didnt just do it in teh first place she didnt have an answer. not unusuall.

Michele, I dont think our kids are to young to do some household chores. they may not like it but it wont kill them. I have a hard time letting go and leting her be responsable for her actions because I will be the one who gets yelled at. once from my mom because i didnt do it for her (The poor baby) and once from Dh because i let her walk all over me. he says i dont yell enough well last night i was yelling and he said he was going back to work. I just cant win.

Melissa, I am already at the yelling and it doesnt work not one bit.

I am trying a chore chart but that doesnt seem to be working either she hasnt filled anything out and it started on Sunday.

GraspingGrace · 03-31-2004, 06:23 PM

Marilyn ... try the timeout thingy!! It pulls them away from what they were doing and it

s them nuts having to sit upright and still. It won't take long for her to realize she doesn't like doing the timeouts. It worked today with Adam so I'm going to keep it up!!

Way to go on getting her up out of bed to get done what she was to do. You've got the right

girlie ... stick to it ... and come in here and vent your frustrations!!

Countrymama · 04-01-2004, 03:51 PM

Things are going better today. right now she is to be picking up her room (there isnt to much more to do) but she is really quite. she is probably listening to music but she usually does that so I can hear. I am hopeing she is just being considerate of her sister who just went down for her nap at 3. I will keep that time out thingy in my bag of tricks dont worry about that.

Thanks for all of your suport and sugestions. I really appreciate them. Keep them coming, and let me know how its working for you.

Ps going to go sneek up on her and see whats going on. hehe

Bruinsmama · 04-02-2004, 01:44 PM

Them little Youngins are just always testing limits! I admit I gave my Mom a real hard time, especially from ages 11-17! But I always respected her & I still do!

We are great

now & she visits every evening to see her Grandbaby. What is great is now she has to ask my permission to give him a treat or anything since I am the Boss now and running a pretty tight ship!

But I still ask her advice if I have troubles. And she may not always agree with how I am raising Duncan but she gives me much love & respect, so it's

.

lulu · 04-02-2004, 05:30 PM

Who put the camera in my house???? Sounds exactly like what is going on with MY 10 yr. old daughter! I just keep taking priveledges away...no music REALLY gets her. I am getting her hot buttons down! I hope we all survive....I have one more daughter gettting ready to turn 9! UGH!!!

Countrymama · 04-04-2004, 04:49 PM

Ok. Nicole went to my moms for the weekend, Its been quiet but that wont last. I am wondering how spoiled she will be when she returns. I dont have a problem with my mom spoiling her ( my gram spoiled me rotten) but I knew when I went home it was back to work. I had chores that had to be done or I was grounded ( I spent a lot of time in my room, dont get me wrong). Just seams nicole doesnt think she should have to do anything I tell her to after mom mom babies her. we shall see how it goes.

Polly · 04-05-2004, 04:46 AM

Oh ladies I am in the same boat!! My 11 year old daughter just can't get organized!! She forgets everything, ha don't we all remember that excuse!! And she is always saying, "I know" or "In a minute"when I remind her of what she has to do!! I've done the incentive stuff, the strict schedule,the hot buttons but to be honest, I've gotten out of the time out and now that I think about it I kept doing it with my oldest for quite a while and she hated that sooooo, maybe that is the trick. I will give it a try!! I went through the same problem with my oldest who of course doesn't remember acting like that. and that doesn't

because she is on her sisters case which makes her dig her heals in even more and my oldest is 17, UGH!!! When do they grow up??? I know we did it to our mom too and this is payback but I am so ready for break!! My DH finally got on her the other day about her room and he is keeping a close eye on it and it is actually clean!! But we've been through this before, by tomorrow it will be a pig sty again and I don't feel it is my responsibility to do it for her. She is too old to be waited on hand and foot. I'm

you all are going trhough it to but it is comforting to know I'm not alone!! I thought , what have I done wrong?? Anyway, I think we have just established a support group here, Everyone keep posting. Maybe if we tell our children that we are talking about them they will change their attitudes.

GraspingGrace · 04-05-2004, 07:55 AM

I know what you mean Polly. We had stopped the timeout thing too but are finding it works wonders. Also, I have decided to turn the responsibility over to him!! I give him ONE reminder in the

(see, his chores are all to be done BEFORE he goes to school) about his chores and that's it. If he doesn't do them I don't remind him again ... I just let them go undone. However, he gets a check mark for each and every thing that is not done when it should be done. Also, he is receiving check marks throughout the day when he forgets to do things that are the "norm". For example, if he comes inside and dumps his coat on the floor in his room ... I give him a check mark, doesn't hang up his towel after his shower, doesn't clear his meal

, doesn't clean up his room before bed, etc. At the end of the week I check the calendar for the check marks, add them up and then we deduct from his allowance according to a little formula we set up ... so much cash for so many check marks. He groans and complains quite loudly but I remind him that if he were just doing what he has been reminded of constantly for the last 5 years or so he wouldn't have this problem. Then I also remind him that if he continues on this check mark path he will end up doing extra chores because he's going to end up owing us LOL!!! It's working so far because he has very few check marks and he's even remembering to take his meds all by himself ... he has suddenly become much more responsible!!!!! Don't get me wrong ladies ... he still needs work in that area but he has improved quite a bit. Why didn't I do this earlier LOL.

lulu · 04-05-2004, 12:06 PM

Mechele, that sounds like a WONDERFUL

! Deducting from allowance! I LIKE IT! And the way my 10 year old daughter is right now....she will end up OWING me!!!

Thanks for the great

! I think I will try this one!

BTW....would you mind me asking how much you pay in allowance and what you deduct for each infraction? I have no

what to pay an allowance of! If you don't mind? Thanks!

Countrymama · 04-05-2004, 02:33 PM

I think you ladies might have the right

! My daughter hates it when I post about her so telling her I post a lot might

.

I would be intersted in how your system works also michele, here i was trying to pay her for her chores that she should be doing anyway, maybe if i just set an amount and then take away from it she would get motivated.

Polly you are right we needed a suport group to compare notes and just vent. I have felt so much better since we have been talking here. Just knowing I am not alone

s so much!